I have vivid memories of my childhood, only because they were so traumatic. I can remember nights when my mother would stand at the bottom of the stairs just screaming for no real reason. She was just drunk again. She drank every single night. She did not just drink every single night, she drank to the point of passing out every single night.

This is the life I lived from the time I was 10 years old until I finally moved out at the age of 20. I never knew when she would just go crazy and throw things at me or pull my hair or threaten me. I never knew what nights she would decide to keep me up until 3a.m although I had school or work in the morning. My life had always been very unpredictable.

Once, when I was a freshmen in high school I had this very large cut on my arm because my mom had thrown a remote at me the night before. Whenever I arrived at school the next day a few kids asked me what happened and I had to blame it on my sister because I was afraid to share the truth.

One of the most vivid memories I have of my mother is from one summer whenever I was in high school. I was at our town festival with a friend and my sister and we spotted our mom there. She was so drunk and I was mortified. It was always easy to tell when she was intoxicated because she would stumble and her eyes were glossed over and could not focus. Not only was she drunk though, she was in these old, worn out pajamas and she stuck out like a sore thumb. It was one of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened to me. I remember just running over to her and begging her to go home. The only way she would leave is if me and my sister would go with her.

She was always doing things like that. She did not want us to ever get too far away from her or leave her completely alone for very long. She relied on us, her children, to be her friends.

There was even a time when my mom was arrested for being intoxicated while caring for me and my siblings. I was only 10 or 11 at the time and I was still at a stage where I loved my mom so much that I did not think anything she was doing was wrong. She was only in jail for 2 weeks and then had to complete a weekend at a local rehab type program along with Alcohol Anonymous meetings. Unfortunately, she never took any of that very serious because in her mind she has never had a problem. In her mind she only drinks because it helps her sleep at night.

I often hid the truth from other people. I did not want the people in my life to know that my mom was an alcoholic who was verbally and physically abusive. I am not saying my mom ever beat the crap out of me or threw me down a flight of stairs, but no kid should ever have a bruise, cut, scar, or any marks from their parent. Parents are supposed to make you feel safe, not scared.

My mom told me and my siblings on several occasions that she had wished we weren’t alive or that we would all drop dead. She would tell us to go to hell or make other rude comments just to tear us down.

I would tell myself that a lot of the things that my mother was doing when I was growing up was only because she drank, but even whenever she was sober she still wasn’t like other moms. She did not love me and encourage me the way other moms did.

Growing up in constant fear that someone would figure out all of your secrets was very scary. Growing up thinking that the cops would show up at your house because your neighbors would hear the screaming and fighting is not something that any child should be concerned with. Growing up the way I did is not a way that any child should have to live.

As a result of being raised the way I was, I appreciate the normal life that I am able to live now. I can sleep at whatever time I want because no one keeps me awake. I can have friends over to my home any time I please because I no longer have to live in secrecy and shame. I appreciate some of the most basic things because I know how bad things really could be. I will never allow the way I grew up to become an excuse. I use it as motivation and always have.

I also still speak to my mom for anyone that is wondering. We don’t have the closest relationship, but I do not hold a grudge or any hostile feelings toward her. Life if life. Sometimes things happen to you and you cannot understand why.

How does anyone ever know exactly what they want to do in life? Choosing a career in one of the most complicated and stressful things. Maybe that isn’t how it feels whenever you actually know what you want to do though, but having to choose a career because you feel pressured and just need to earn a living seems almost impossible.

 I enjoy doing many things, none of which will ever be a high earning career though. I love to write and maybe eventually I will be able to make $50 here or $100 there, but the chance it will become reliable income is slim. I also love creating and designing new things to sell in my Etsy shop, but that will likely never be sufficient enough to suffice as an income.

I cannot imagine waking up in the morning, putting on a pair of dress pants and blouse, and going into an office for 8 hours. I however know people who love their jobs working in an office. They feel empowered and important whenever they put on their finest suit and are able to perform a big presentation in front of the senior executives at the company they work for.

There were times when I too dreamed of working at a big company, where I would wear nice clothes and feel important. There were times where I wanted to make tons and tons of money and I was basing a career solely off of salary. I disregarded all prior advice from people who had way more experience than I did and decided I did not need to love the career I was going into as long as it paid well.

Unfortunately, the closer and closer graduation became (Currently 25ish hours away still, with no plans to return) the more and more I wanted to run. I kick myself for spending 4 years at university, instead of spending those 4 years figuring out what I really wanted to do. I am however happy that I had a college experience and I did learn some valuable things about the business world.

I know people (I’m actually engaged to one) who started at the lowest spot available within a company and now they have a career they somewhat enjoy. They have a career that they care about because they are somewhat attached to the company they work for. If I started at a company with the intention of growing within the company at the age of 18, I may have gotten somewhere by now.

Here I am though… I am 23 and don’t have a damn clue where I am going or what comes next. I am living day by day and just seeing what is out there. I have big dreams and no clue how I will attain them, but I am going to keep pushing and keep trying.

What I am really trying to get across is that everyone figures out what they want at a different point. Some people know what they will be doing for the rest of their lives whenever they are in elementary school, others are just finishing college or beginning a brand new career at 50. It is never too late to chase your dream or make a change though. We all deserve to be happy or at least the opportunity to try to find happiness.