My journey with anxiety

I rarely share my mental state with others. Most people that know me do not even know I have anxiety because for a long time I tried to hide it. I didn't want people to know that I was having problems.

Anxiety is relentless. It does not care who you are, what you come from, how much money you have, what you do for a living, etc. ANYONE can have anxiety. You can also develop it at any time.

I am sharing my story because when I read other people's stories it makes me feel better and it gives me something to relate to. My journey with anxiety did not even start until after I graduated high school. I was always pretty normal. I got nervous on occasion and sometimes felt anxious whenever I had a big presentation or a first date or something along those lines, but I never had anxiety.

Over the last 4-5 years my mental state has changed dramatically. There was a time when I was very comfortable in my body and in my life and now there are days where I just wish I could crawl out of my body. I want to escape the 'heart racing, pit in my stomach, fear of things that are out of my control' mentality.

I used to only have anxiety once in a while (once a month or so) so it was very manageable. It was usually sparked by something that I could pinpoint and in the future I was sure to stay away from. There came a time when my anxiety was sparked by something I could not just avoid for the rest of my life though. It was sparked by things I had to do or I had to see every single day.

This is when I knew it was a real problem. It took about a year for me to really know that this wasn't something that I would just grow out of or something that was going to go away on its own. This was now something that defined who I am as a person and how I make decisions. I was so embarrassed in the beginning. I don't think I told anyone for months.

I can remember having an 'episode' (I would not consider it a full blown panic attack) in one of my classes at college. I instantly asked to go to the restroom and waited for our mid-class break to return to the room and grab my things and leave, I would make excuses as to why I was doing some of the things I was doing or why I was so flaky.

People who do not have anxiety just cannot seem to understand the effect it has on your body. They don't understand why you cancel plans with no real reason or why sometimes you just don't want to get out of bed. There is no way to really explain anxiety to someone who has never had to experience it. The best way I know to even attempt to explain it to someone is to imagine having to participate in something that you fear (heights, snakes, spiders, public speaking) and magnify that feeling of fear. Now imagine feeling like that and not being able to just shake it off and get rid of it, because that is anxiety. On top of feeling like that your mind will think of all kinds of scenarios (most will never even occur) that also terrify you.

There are weeks at a time where I have no anxiety at all. I am normal (or what I imagine normal is). Even in these times I still feel like a sitting duck, just waiting for the anxiety to find me and take over my life once again.

My triggers range from trying new things, being in large crowds whenever I am not sure what to expect, and a general fear of dying. The fear of dying is a relatively new one that I have just developed since my dad was diagnosed with cancer.

When I actually have anxiety talking about it (usually to my fiance or best friend) makes me feel better. They go over all the possible outcomes of whatever I am feeling anxious about and make me realize that it really is mostly all in my head. It is the anxiety that is taking over my train of thought and I cannot let it get the best of me. This doesn't always work though, There are times where I have extreme anxiety for several days and I don't know how I end up pulling myself out of it, but I do.

I know there are people out there who suffer is complete silence. They don't have a friend or significant other or a family member to talk to. They don't know where to go or who to turn to and they trap themselves inside of their own heads. If you are one of them and you are reading this, I promise you there are places to go and people to turn to. Talk to a parent or teacher or coworker. Find a therapist or talk to your family doctor.  Research online resources and books that you can read. Just do something! Don't suffer alone because you are embarrassed. Mental health is just as important as physical health.

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