A letter to you, my mom

Dear mom

When I was young I loved you so much. I was so attached to you at all times and can even remember when I hated going to school simply because I did not want to leave you. I thought you were the coolest mom in the entire world!

You were an amazing mother. You cleaned and did laundry, made home cooked meals, and were so loving. I have so many memories of you swimming with us and teaching us to cook. You would even make obstacle courses for us in the back yard during the summer so that we had something fun to do since we never really had money to go out and do things.

Somewhere, somehow, something changed inside of you though. After you and dad separated you became someone that I did not recognize. Maybe you were always this person and I had never realized because I was too young. Maybe losing the person you love sent you into a downward spiral and you just did not know what to do in order to return to normal.

To this day, you claim you do not have a drinking problem. You claim that you only drink because "it helps you sleep". But any parent who chooses to buy alcohol over shampoo or laundry detergent has a problem. Any parent that degrades their child for no reason, has a problem. Any parent who keeps their child up at all hours of the night because they are out of control, has a problem.

I  have not seen you in 7 months. I have been engaged for 6 months and you have not even seen my ring, nor do you ask me how wedding planning or dress shopping is going, I call you sometimes, but you usually do not listen to much of anything I say and you always seem distracted. You don't really seem to want anything to do with me or any knowledge of what goes on in my life.

Sometimes I see other girls with their moms and I wish that I could just trade places with them. It's not because I do not love you or because I do not want to have a relationship with you, it is because I am tired of attempting to have a relationship with someone who doesn't want a relationship with me.

I want to have a mom who has encouraging things to say to me and real advice to offer whenever I am going through a rough time. I want a mom who takes me to lunch just because she wants to see me or who even knows where I live. I want a mom who calls me and texts me every single day to see how my day is going, I want a mom who still cares enough to get me a gift for Christmas or my birthday. I want a mom!

I still hope you will somehow return to who you were so many year ago, but I am beginning to doubt it. Until then I will remain hopeful.